Content warning for discussion of sex, sexuality, and relationships

Well, apparently October 11 this year is National Coming-Out Day or something. So…guess what, everyone? I’m asexual. And apparently quite a few people don’t know what that entails, but asexuality is what the “A” in “LGBTQIA+” stands for (it’s not “ally”), it’s a sexual orientation just like hetero-, homo-, or bisexuality, and it’s just as valid as any other. It doesn’t mean that I’m simply choosing to live celibately. It doesn’t mean that I’m weird or just a straight person trying to be special, or that there is something wrong with me. About 1% of the population is asexual, give or take, which doesn’t sound like much until you think about how many people that actually is and/or compare it to other demographics that make up 1% of the population; that’s about how many people in the world have red hair, and it’s about how many live in the UK. It certainly doesn’t mean that I reproduce parthenogenically; while that would be interesting, I still don’t want to have kids even if they’re clones of me (more on that later). It doesn’t mean that I’m neither male nor female either; gender identity is a beast in and of itself, but it is completely separate from sexual orientation and is a story for another day. Technically, being asexual doesn’t necessarily even mean that I have no interest in sex; while that is true for me, it’s not the case for everyone.

The only thing that asexuality does mean is that a person doesn’t feel sexually attracted to anyone. And that, I suppose, gave me a different experience growing up; I’d just assumed that I didn’t believe in sex before marriage or something. I didn’t realize that people were serious about saying things like “I’d have sex with that person if I had the chance” (and in less polite terms to boot), and it’s something I can’t relate to at all. Like…you don’t even know that person; why in the world would you want to get that intimate with them? Frankly, I find the very idea rather creepy. People are way too obsessed with sex in general if you ask me, and they don’t spend enough time focusing on the emotional connections in relationships. And that’s another thing: asexuality also doesn’t prevent me from being able to love people. I think I love very much, in fact, and I find it one of the great tragedies of our society that love is so often associated with sex. After all, ancient Greek had at least four different words for different types of love, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t just mean “have sex with your significant other”, “have sex with your friends”, “have sex with your family”, and “have sex unconditionally”.

Mind you, that doesn’t mind I’d find love any easier than anyone else. The thing is, it’s quite possible for a person’s romantic orientation to be different from their sexual orientation, which seems to happen particularly frequently with asexual people. In my case, I am almost certainly completely asexual, but where I fall on the romantic spectrum is a bit more of an enigma. About all I can figure out beyond reasonable doubt is that it’s somewhere on the hetero side of things; there may be male people whom I would want to spend time around for the rest of my life, but I’m not into them in “that way”. It really doesn’t help that it’s hard for me to figure out where the boundaries of romantic attraction lie anyway; most of the things I’d do with a significant other if I had one—hugging them, having deep conversations about life, going for long walks in a park together, taking them out for lunch, getting them surprise presents, living together—I’d already do with my friends anyway. Pretty much the only differences between a girlfriend and just a plain friend for me would be cuddles, a possible marriage proposal, and (following that) maybe sleeping in the same bed. I would still like to find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with; while I could probably just live with a few close friends, it’s not really the same. But I still wouldn’t want to have sex with that person, either for pleasure or reproductive purposes. I’m just not sure in what capacity such a relationship would be. Alterous attraction is a thing that exists, as is being quoiromantic, so maybe one of those fits me, but I’m not sure. Love is a thing that has puzzled humanity for millennia, and if anyone were to figure it out at this point in history, it sure as heck wouldn’t be me.

So…that’s me. I’m pretty ace and proud of it. It’s not always easy (I did mention that it seems like everyone else is way too obsessed with sex, right?), but I think I’m glad that I am how I am. Not everyone can be that comfortable, though; asexuality isn’t very well known compared to homo- or even bisexuality, or being transgender for that matter, so not everyone even knows that it exists. And that is why awareness is so important; a person who never finds out that it is possible to be asexual (or, by the same token, any number of other identities that don’t fall under “heterosexual and cisgender”) might spend their entire lives thinking that they are broken in some way. If I remember correctly, the first time I found out was when a friend brought it up in passing. Ultimately, though, we’re all individuals, and I think most people want to be loved.

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