Let’s face it: Jobs suck. Just about anyone who has ever had to earn their way to anything, especially an independent lifestyle or support for a family of their own could tell you that. And it’s not just the work itself, either…the whole process is just an obnoxious, grueling, tedious conglomeration of stress and trial and error even long before you start actually doing what you’re (supposed to be) getting paid for. As a famous person once said (well, at least if you consider my own father famous), “The only thing worse than looking for a job is having one.” Certainly I can relate, after the ongoing search that began late in 2013 and has yet to bear fruit. At this point, I might as well start looking for giant squid instead; the odds of success where I live seem to be about the same.

But I’m not here just to kvetch. I’m here to bring up one important part of the process: the dreaded job interview. You know, that whole nerve-wracking thing where you have to mentally prepare for all sorts of difficult-to-answer questions while sitting alone in a room with a person who can mean the difference between you having income or not if you should happen to answer the slightest bit wrong, and you’re not allowed to wear sweatpants. If only you could say what you really felt like, right? If I had the guts and impunity to just give the answers I wish I could say and didn’t have to worry about actually getting the job, things might look quite different. I present to you this mock interview:

1) What made you decide to apply for our company?

Process of elimination, mostly. Nobody else has hired me so far. Also, you’re close to the bus routes, and I don’t drive, so it would be more convenient for me than a lot of other places.

2) How would you describe your personality?

This about sums it up.

3) What do you consider your greatest strengths?

Well, I have pretty decent language and math skills, and I can type quite fast. Also, if you need anyone to hum music from a Mario, Donkey Kong Country, or Mega Man game, or to punctuate conversations by interjecting random quotes from movies, books, or the Internet, then I’m your guy.

4) What would you consider some of your weaknesses?

See question 2. Possibly 3 as well, depending on how you look at things. Beyond that, my social skills are questionable at best, I can’t multitask worth crap, and my upper body strength is roughly equivalent to that of a 7-year-old girl.

5) What are your hobbies?

Hm. I have a variety of them, I suppose, though probably the main ones would be reading, writing, playing music, composing music, playing video games, Internet browsing, lamenting about the futility of life, hiking, and folfing.

6) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Presumably in a mirror, the same as now. Oh, you didn’t mean it quite that literally? Well…hopefully not in a cemetery, for starters, unless I’m there because somebody else is dead. I’ll probably be doing much the same kinds of things that I do now. I might even have a job by then.

7) Why should I hire you?

Because I need the money, and I’m sick of looking for work. If those aren’t good enough reasons, well, I’ll never show up to work under the influence or stupidly late. If those still aren’t good enough…let’s just say that even though I may screw up a lot at first, I will try my best, and if I can make someone’s day while serving them, so much the better. So I hope you will consider me for this position, and I hope I will be able to work well with you.

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